okay pat passed out under dana's car
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
