I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
