ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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