new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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