I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
