someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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