The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
