I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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