my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
