He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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