I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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