My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
a search helicopter?!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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