I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize