Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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