Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
