I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
