My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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