remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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