Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
