A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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