I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
