I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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