youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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