If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
tell me about the fingering
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
