this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
