a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize