a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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