I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
