Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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