So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
sex in a hospital.. check
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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