dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
