Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize