The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
