Soap is not a condiment
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Rumble strips road head = magical
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
