Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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