I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
