Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
