i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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