Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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