He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
