Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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