just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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