so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
