i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
