look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
