i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just invented taco cereal.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
