i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
