She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
