you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
