Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize