I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
