i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
cat food counts as protein by the way
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
