Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
