I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The beer is more important than you right now.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
