Pants 0. Shit 1.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Farmville is her only friend.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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