Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
