I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
