its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
