My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize