wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
