i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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